I've got 100 resolutions, but I've got no solutions.

Ahh, the new year.
It's time to say goodbye to 2009 and hello 2010.
I don't exactly know if I'm ready to left go of 2009,
it was pretty good to me besides the up and downs of the longest roller coaster of my life.
Even though I've had, heartbreaks, moments of regret, and emotional stress
I can always look back to so many times that I can called the highlight of my year.
For example summer'09 was the best summer so far, I fell in love with a boy.
Even though he did break my heart in the end, I still thank him for the time of my life.
I can't exactly say I have a "new year resolution" because I could name a thousand of them and I probably won't follow up on them.
So what's the point.
I rather say things that I would like to make happen in this new year of hopeful joy.
I would like to fall in love once again, with someone that will hold my heart and keep it forever.
I would like to do better in school, for I am a smart girl who just needs a push.
I would like to always hope for a better tomorrow.
I would like to not dwell on other's mistakes, for they should not affect me anymore.
I would like to be there for my family a bit more, my mother who needs me the most in her time of need, for she is dying of cancer.
I need to open my heart and mind to a new world that could most likely help me remember who I am,
remember who I love,
remember who my real friends are.
I've fucked up a lot this year, and I can only hope that everyone that I have hurt will forgive me, for I am ready for change.
My mind is the key to be all that I can be.
I have stuck with my favourite quote that will always be dear to my heart,
love acts on the hope of tomorrow.
I hope I can help so many souls with my stories in my blog,
I've been though a lot this year,
and this new year I will finally try to be happy again, as I was when I was young.
"Don't tell me to grow up, I'm just living while I'm young"
that's what I'll live by.

deadly beautiful.

"Everyone has been dying to have you, but I've been the only killing for it"
This infatuation that I seem to have on a boy is killing me,
I'm waiting for him to make the first move, he seems to like me.
But why can't he just simply tell me that?
Why do boys have to be so confusing?
He's so deadly beautiful,
his eyes are soulful,
his mind is wonderful,
he is... amazing.
Which is what he thinks of me, well that's what he says.
But who knows what is really going on inside that boy's head,
when alcohol and drugs hit it.
Woman throwing themselves at him every minute.
Why wouldn't he take it?
But I'm not the one to do that to a boy.
I don't start shit then just forget the next day.
I want a relationship,
I want him.

When will this feeling die?

I never seem to get over this one boy.
He always comes around at the best time and pulls me right back in,
And for what you may ask?
sex.
The one thing any boy would want from a girl.
I want a relationship, I want a boyfriend, I want to find love.
Why does it always seem to be so fucking hard for me?
I actually don't see anything wrong with me at all.
Maybe, I'm not the skinny, perfect teeth, blonde haired girl that every boy would die for but I am me, and I just want to find that one person that will like me for me.
Not because of what I look like, but who I clearly am.
I always seem to get my heart broken by some stupid boy who doesn't care about me at all.
They pretend like they do, but then really they just want me to go away after words.
I've always seemed to like more the one person at the same time so, there we go agian,
there's indeed another boy.
he is really such a great kid.
He's soo nice, it's crazy and he's so chill .
But, everyone has been dying to have him but I've been the only one killing for it.
We'll see where that goes.
goodbye for now, just let's hope it's all good in the end because I can't live like this anymore.

I've just seen a face.

I've just seen a face, like always.
There I go, getting myself into a battlefield of love and heartbreak.
I've just found this boyyy.
Yeah, anotherone.
I don't know how this is going to go but I'm hoping good
cause if looks could kill he'd be the one.
Just wish me luck on this one, I hopppeeee it works out.

I will be the death of you.

Falling back in love or falling back into heartbreak?
One boy that I did date back in the day is now coming back into this day and making me head over heels for him.
I don't really understand what makes me want him so much,
there's just that little something about him that makes my heart beat fast and makes me smile.
He's a good kid, for sure but he has hurt me before, by breaking my heart.
He was my first heart break, and the only one that hurt me the most.
I think that was because he was my first boyfriend who really did like me for me.
I guess that changed.
Anyways, he's changed a lot I think for the better.
He's more like me now, and I love it.
I think I see myself losing that one important thing that everyone in the world makes out to be a big deal, and yes I know you all know what I'm talking about.
I just don't want to start something so wonderful then it ending up to nor work or me once again being the one that was hurt.
But all I can really say is time will tell, and we'll see where things go.
hope for the best.

waiting on you.

holy cow, i've fallen over someone new,
he makes me laugh, he makes me smile oh if he could only stay a while.
he lives across the sea, well that's what it seems.
i miss his touch, i miss my luck.
he's different from the rest, won't hurt me like the rest.
for i am falling fake in love.
baby, i'm ready let's do it up,
but all rhe drugs he does, scare me real good.
he's way better then that indeed.
yet, i will not change him, i like everything about him.
'cause i'm shaking at your touch, i like you way too much.
so then again you're the lucky one, wait no, i'm the lucky one.
don't forget me, embrace me.

lovely bones.

If there was one man I'd kill for, it'd be you.
Open your loving arms and heart to me, for I am falling for you.

I was crazy to think, you had a chance in hell.
I hate bullshit.
so people need to grow up a bit okay?
I know I have a bit of growing up as well but learn to control yourself.
Respect people.
Fuck.

capture me perfect.

you make me smile, cutie.
i hooope you stay for a while to keep me safe and to make me wild.
you came at the right time.
so smile, you're bad ass rad.

Codes to life.

I've found myself missing one of my dearest old friend, who has always had a close place to my heart.
He means a lot to me, but It seems like he doesn't really miss me at all.
I miss him like crazy, no I don't love him like that anymore but I do love him like a big brother or a best friend, and it upsets me that I don't have him anymore to be there for me.
A new person has entered his life, and yes I am so happy for him but yet all his time goes to her. I have really talked to him in a long time. It feels like forever since we were so close.
All I can say is , I realllyyyyy miss him and I hope things are going okay.
He's one of the greatest boy's I've ever known and I'm glad I do know him or I'd be lost today.
He helped me move on, to move on into this horrible life that I live.
He's always there for me no matter what, but sometimes I don't know were we stand anymore.

Get Down With Your Bad Self

Lately, I cannot take people's bullshit.
There are so many stupid shit that bugs me to the point of crying myself to sleep.
Losing really close friends to assholes or even the fear of being played once again.
I've finally made up my mind on what boy I want.
Ah, there's just something about him that just makes me want him more and more each day.
He has a place in my heart, but then I don't know if I can put my faith into him,
I don't see him that much so who knows what's going on.
All I can do is hope for the best 'cause he does mean quite a lot to me, even if it doesn't seem like it or maybe he doesn't know but really he does.
Girls, the fucking immature nature of teenage girls just makes me wonder how I can survive high school everyday. There rude and mean comments about every single bitch that walks by isn't needed. What happen to peace and love?
So, since I've brought this up there is a girl that has been saying shit behind my back which isn't that much of a shock since I like her ex... but you know what? this girl doesn't even know one thing about me, I've maybe talked to her like twice? so, I hate people that judge people and don't really know them on the inside, just one look and they "can tell" that the person is a slut or a bitch. Fuck that shit.
I've made two great new friends whoI already trust, but one is falling in lust with the wrong guy. All he does is treat my other friend and I like total pieces of shit, and I ain't down. Makes me wonder if she is even a real friend sometimes, I love her like a sister but things need to change or I will fucking change them myself.
My dad is still being the same, like always he never does anything to help me or even fucking give me some money.
It's always about my other siblings and never me. But yet who does all the work around my house? me, not them, me.
It is completely non fair of him to act like he doesn't care about me and give the world to my brother and sister.
Mom.. yeah she's still a joke. In and out of rehab. Never seems to work really. She will never change for herself and my family.
So, I am simply done with her forever. I want nothing to do with her at all.
This blog was pretty much a venting blog about everything that has been going on, sorry haha, but I needed to get it out.

to the moon and back babe.

How I long to be in your arms again.
How I love being just right beside you,
How I miss holding on to you.
don't play me,
don't hate me,
just
love me.

Being easy ain't pretty my sugar coated baby,

"My desire to kiss you has completely diminished. Due to the fact that your lips on my lips just might be your foot on my throat."

This is the time and place where I say that I am done with my ex lover and have fallen for another new lover.

I'm just done with being hurt all the time and being lied too.

Being two faced doesn't get you anywhere love, just in the dumps of my love.

Hope you're life is great without me, I do not want to talk to you anymore, maybe in a year from now, until then have a nice life lame ass.

So as I fall back in love soon I will have my peace of mind back,

'cause my eye has been on some one new, some one beautiful.

I want to move on, because I have let go.

New life would be just fine.

Thanksgiving much?

Since it's thankgiving, I wanted to write about what I am thankful for.
Which would be one person;
yes. not a thing, a person.
I am thankful for my oldest sister, Katie.
I just really relized how I never missed someone so much in just 3 weeks.
She has done sooo much for me and I can't even thank her enough for everything.
She not only is my older sister, she is my best friend,
I know if I ever need anything, I can go with her with no shame but just pride even if it is something I should be ashamed of.
She is one of the greatest people in my life and I love her with all my heart.
So here's to you on this wonderful day. enjoy yourself and remember I am here for you always.
Thank you.

My heart on the floor.

"Here I am with my heart on the floor and my love out the door."

In the past weeks I have been with the two boys that my heart cannot seem to pick which one is the right one for me.
To tell you the trust I really don't think they like me... sadly.
Well, I got fucked over by one already. I was with him the other day and so stupidly of me I made out wtih him, a lot. Then the next day we were going to go to the movies together, yes another lame ass date, but then he calls me and tells me he cannot go. I wonder why?
Later that day I found out that he just played me around and likes another girl, who isn't me.
WHY DOES THIS SEEM TO ALWAYS HAPPEN?!
So, I haven't talked to him since, which I'm really sad about because he does mean a lot to me but he just doesn't care. At least he pretends too but really I know the truth in his heart.
The other boy, haha slave.
He wants me so badly but he doesn't show it in public places like school or anywhere else unless it's his house.
He's usually nice to me there but out it's a different story. He lies to a lot of people about us.
It really makes me mad and makes me think if he is even worth my time.
I really don't know what do to but all I know is my heart is on the floor and it keeps getting steped on.

a seek for him and I.

Do I not belong with anyone?

Everything must belong somewhere .

Finding love is so hard when your heart isn't always in the right place.
My heart is confused.
Two lovely boys hold a small yet big place in my heart. Boy number one, oh the joy he brings to me. He likes me as well, but of course somethings always wrong. He doesn't want a relationship... great.
Boy number two, what a kid. He there for me a lot but problem with him is he hides his feelings.
I'm looking for love, not lust. I belong with someone, I just gotta find him.

Pure, like snow and gold.

So, as we all know, I'm still a young little girl who has a heart of gold.
I wouldn't want to hurt or break anyones heart ever,
sadly I think I might have to because of these strong feelings for another boy.
I am confused in my dark world that needs a little light, his light.
There is this boy,
Oh yes a boy again.
He makes my heart sing and makes me stop breathing.
I have been friends with him for a long time but really, he doesn't even see me.
Or will he ever like me, I am not those blonde skinny girls that he always seems to go for...
life, what a fuck up.
I hate it most of the time, I wish everything would just work out like I want it to.
But you and I know , that isn't going to happen.
He makes me really happy, but I really don't think I make him that way.
BOYS ! suck, well most of them.
Now this other boy,. he's ight. haha. ight.
He's super nice but I really don't think I see anything in him. I just need to make up my mind with a lot of things.
Like who I want, because I have list of boys that I would love to have in my life as a boyfriend.
Guys don't really seem to like me that much, it's always the creep ones that do.
I still love my ex. ugh. my ex what a fucker.
He isn't worth my time, so why cannot let go?
I need a new person to love me for who I am,
I need him.

faith in fools like you.

Listen fucker,
I don't fucking need you anymore. How dare you say shit to me? I was always there for you. Your not worth my time, you not worth anything.
Alone you shall be, happy I'll be. Maybe I'm a fool but I'll mean hell more to this world then you ever will. I always give second chances, but you'll be lucky to get one. Have a nice life, go fuck yourself 'cause lets face it no one wants to fuck you ♥ (:

The bottom of my heart is were you lay.

neon stars.

Neon stars are what I see when I look into your eyes.
I miss you, I really need to stop. you don't care about me so why should I care about you unless you do, unless you miss me.
I have so many left over feelings for you but I don't know what to do with them. Moving on just breaks my heart. Your still my everything with nothing to say, why don't you remember the times we shared?
We were so happy.
Love is in my future, with or without you.
I've grown a lot since you left, i'm not that sad, immature girl.

How lucky we were.

Do you remember all the good times and the bad times?
Do you remember when we used to cry? because all we thought about was how much we were going to miss eachother. Do you remember our first kiss? Do you remember our own little late night walks when we went to the park and talked just talked. Do you remember walking me home at the late hours of the night? Do you remember the south park movie? Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me? Do you remember how grateful we both were to have eachother? Do you remember the first time you held my hand? Do you remember our last kiss? Do you remember buying soy milk and anything else I wanted for me? Do you remember when you said I was your life? Do you remember when I cried about my life? Do you remember the time when I opened up my heart to you ? Do you remember acton? Do you remember those nights? Do you remember how you said you'll never break my heart? Do you remember when you said you wanted me for the rest of your life? Do you remember asking me out? Do you remember the "what would you do" questions? Do you remember my laugh? Do you remember when all you wanted was my hug? Do you remember never fighting? Do you remember me not caring that you smoked dope? Do you remember talking to me on the phone for five hours? Do you remember how you meant the world to me? Do you remember me? Do you remember our love? Do you?

you broke my heart, to bring this time, our love is fading but now you crossed the line. I miss you, yes I do. I just want you to remember what we had and what you let go of.

Immature losers.

I am done, with people and their foolish ways.
It's all immature.
How fucking dare you, write and say things like that about me?
You don't even know me like you think you do.
I have no respect or anything for you anymore.
You lost my friendship. Do you know how hurtful that was?
How I cried and screamed because you are a sick monster.
Never fucking cross me again.
I swear, I will never let you do that to me again.
Learn from your mistakes.
I always forgive but I never forget.

misery, won't get the best of me

"Yeah I'm moving on but that's the way it goes when you break my heart, everybody knows don't pull that shit again"

All is see in you is nothing.

I now see who you really are.

Two faced, and frankly I don't need that in my life.

You need to man up to the mistakes you've made and what you have done,

broken a little girls heart.

You have something to prove to me and nothing to lose.

I need an apology.

Yes, an actual apology.

This is really up to you,

stay in my life or say goodbye.

I've found some peace of mind.

I am still young and I do not know what I want

but I know what I need and having someone that only brings me down isn't it.

I losted a lot to you.

Indeed I did, but I will never regret.

I've had enough so you best fix it.

Your in a black hole of denial.

My world fell down in front of you and all you did was laugh.

Well, look who's laughing now.

You were my love, you were my life.

I still care but without you is something that I can do.

Breaking my heart, is what you did.

But I can break your heart too.

My eyes are wide open cause everythings been stolen.

Definition Of Destiny

Everytime I see you, My heart stops.
Your big blue eyes and bright smile lights up my world just for those seconds of being with you.
The way you just get so glad when you see me, is,
amazing.
I never know what to say to you because, I don't want to break how we are.
I don't want to mess everything up like I always do.
Just tell me, you like me.
Just tell me, you want me.
As you flip your brown hair, my world stops just to see your beauty.
You are beautiful to me, strange yet beautiful.

Good things come to those who wait...

I don't know,
I simply don't know.
I
am
a
mess.
All my emotions are all over the place,
I don't know who to love and care about.
Yes, I am still hung up on my old lover.
BLAH.
I wish I wasn't cause all he gives me is heartache and pain.
Why can't I see that?
Why can't my heart read that?
I've never felt so confused in my life
I don't know what's real anymore. The truth is what I need.
He needs to tell me the truth. Only the truth.
Not what I want to hear from his lips, what he feels from his heart.
Maybe it isn't great but it may help, yes it may help.
The words I speak to him are filled with love, lust, hurt and regret.
I regret so much. I regret losing him. I should of made him stay, but How can I make someone like him stay with someone like me?
He can do so much better, and I think he is.
I still cry about him, I still miss him so much.
but sadly he thinks so little of me, I've became a part of his past, the part that is forgotten.
I don't care about how much money he has, how many friends he has, what he does, what he wears, and what he knows.
I only care about him.
Who he is, The boy I fell in love with.
He was truly my first love.
but goodbye to that.

What's cooking good looking?

haha,
wow.
you are a two faced liar.
How could you do this to me?
Try and go for one of the most important people in my life?
so low of you.
You know, she is only going to lead you on then break your sorry ass heart?
well, yeah that's what's going to happen.
All I try to do for you is look out for you
and you don't even care.
You said you were still going to talk to me and still be there but where are you?
Telling me shit, then going and telling others something different.
You are becoming what you hate.
I never in my life, thought that you would be like this.
You are so much better then that, you say you're not like other guys, but really you are.
"You said you hate my suffering And you understood And you’d take care of me You'd always be there Well where are you now?" - Bright Eyes.
That's how you are.
You should feel sorry for everything you have done to me.
My life has been going downhill since you left but I,
I will stop that because I am better then that.
I didn't write this to make you feel bad or make you feel sorry for me,
just look out with her, she just wants to hurt you.
I am sorry for everything.
but as you should be too.

Life is an experiment.

Life, is something I used to hate.
Now, I have really opened my eyes.
There are so many great things in this world you just need to find them.
You'll find love, that's what I keep saying to myself cause I believe I will,
no, I am not over my ex and yes, I want things to work out between us but if they don't,
ha, that's not my lost. It's his.
I've truly now found friends that care about me and I see who is really those friends.
The ones that were there for me when I was in my dark times and the ones that are still there for me now.
I've lost one friend that meant a lot to me at one point but now, I feel like I cannot deal with her anymore, everytime I'm with her I feel so bad and I really don't need that. So goodbye to that.
I've made a new friend tho and I'm really glad I have her now too.
Things happen for reason, and you don't know those reason but believe me they are there.
Heart break, death, happiness, hurt, love and dreams.
These things are a part of life and you have to live them to have a life.
If everything was perfect then that would just suck.
I rather have my problems then have nothing.
A hard life makes you stronger, I am strong. I have what I need to move on to something
that I love or will make me happy.
Everyone has a life to lead and I think I know what I want in this world.

Screaming Infidelities

"I'm reading your note over again, There's not a word that I comprehend, Except when you signed it:"I'll love you always and forever"

This is were I am now. Unhappy and confused. You said so much about how you love me and now it's all gone. I can't believe this. You lying to yourself and you know you miss this.

You miss every single thing.

I can feel it.

I can heal it.

Just let me back into your life, like I was.

and everything will be alright,

I promise with all my heart,

I'm trying my best,

And I still love you for everything you are.

I'm sorry for these words.

How can I explain all this emotion that has past me all week long?
I can't.
Only one person know's how this feels and that's him.
Because he has been though the same thing as he is putting me though.
Maybe it isn't as bad but it's like the same.
The same heart break that he has had, is now happening to me.
He knows the pain I am going though.
The thing that bugs me the most is does he even care?
does he even see how he has done something so bad to me ?
does he see that this has happend to him before?
and is he even taking this hard at all?
I don't know anything because he won't open up to me anymore like he used too.
I can't just ask him these things although that's all I want to do when I talk to him.
I want to talk about everything.
but he doesn't want to.
well I guess that's too bad for me.
I lost someone important, I lost someone I love.
What will happen when I see him next week?
I will maybe cry, I will maybe hurt
but we'll have to see.
I miss him, and I think he knows that.

Boy in purple hat.

I'm losing sleep, I'm losing heat.
I feel so sick because of the one that breaths.
I look oh so pale, I feel oh so rare but yet I bare to speak the truth about how I feel.
Is it madness or is it just the beer?
Don't say things you don't mean cause all I am is a broken dream.
You broke my heart, you broke my peace but that is fine because I'm yours to keep.
The first time you kissed me, how magical it seemed but now I wonder if it was even the real thing.
These thoughts of you can not be beat, I dream a dream of you and me.
You are the one I love, the one I need.
Your still my light, your still my sun since I will forgive you, yes I will
but right now I feel so ill.
I miss the boy, who made me speak
Clearly I still love that boy in the purple hat.
Yet I am not alone, and I have hope.
One day it maybe again but until then
I'm losing sleep.

I lost the one boy I loved,
I touched,
I need,
I want,
My first.

These days before you speak to me, you pause.

So much to say in so little time.
I am trying to change for someone that I love so dearly.
It's hard but I believe I can do it, no matter what.
He doesn't love me anymore.
Which breaks my heart to hear or say.
I don't understand, everything was going so good and now all of the sudden things change?
You don't wake up one morning and say to yourself, I'm not going to love this person anymore.
I really don't want to lose this boy.
He's done a lot for me and I have done things for him too.
I stick up for him, I love him, I try to make him the happiness guy in the world and I would do anything for him.
Why can't he see that anymore?
As I read the words that came from his mind in his blog, I see that he does love me and care.
I still kinda think he does.
I wish I could just talk to him and work everything out.
But he will come to me when the times right.
All I can do is hope for the best.
I think it will work out.
No, I don't think, I know. He is such a good hearted person, he would never break my heart.
I know there are somethings about me that you may not like but that's who you fell in love with.
Every annoying, dumb thing I do, is me.
I will try and stop since that's what you want.
but please know that I love you and I will stand by you if you need me.
I understand and care.
but I'm breaking down.
All I can say is that I fell in love with an amazing boy and I'd hate to lose.
I cry Frank.

Your words are like knives

They peel my skin and pierce my soul

- Dallas Green of City and Colour.

♥

Every word that comes from your wonderful mind and heart stays with me forever.

Don't Blink, They won't even miss you at all.

So last night I came home from a lovely day with my best friend.
Turns out that day wasn't so lovely at all.
As I walk into my living room I see her.
The one woman that makes me sick.
She looks sick,
She looks skinny,
She looks crazy.
As she is all these things.
I quickly went to check her bags to check for drugs but nothing.
I was shocked.
She doesn't say a word to me, so I walk away to my room.
In my mind I laugh at this woman that I so call my mother.
Her state of mind is unsafe.
I walk downstairs again, to only find her walking around my house in a cricle, never stoping.
This woman is Fucked.
I don't simply care anymore.
I just look back on the past of our life together, and remember who she really is.
Never again, will I love this woman.
I don't think I can even call her mom anymore.

Please Know, I'm yours to keep.

I am so disappointed in myself.
I cry as I read the cold hearted words that come from your beauiful mind that I dared to fall in love with.
but yet who egged you on to this maddnes?
me.
all me.
You say, your the wrose boyfriend in the world but I beg to differ
more like I'm the wrose girlfriend in the world because I know so.
What have I done for you?
nothing.
What have you done for me?
everything and anything.
I pick at the littlest things to make you and I mad or upset,
I seem to be starting to turn into the one I hate. My father.
Picking, picking, and picking at things that should just be left alone.
But I do blame myself, for holding on to what I think will keep you by my side.
When really I just need to open my eyes and see you are the one that I love so much.
I love you and never, ever forget that my sunshine.

Boiled Love.

Sometimes, I don't know what to feel.
I'm turning into something I never wanted to be.
I do to many foolish things that get me no where.
All I do is nag and take things for granted.
I'm scared I'm going to lose the one person I love the most.
He's all I got.
He's everything I need.
If I don't have him, I truly will be lost going down paths I shouldn't take.
I hate fighting with the one I love,
I hate fighting with the one I touch,
I hate fighting with the one I fear,
I hate fighting with the one I need.
Life's like a locked box,
when you find the key and open it you will figure out the meaning of it.
I think I found my key and that's him.

acton is the place to be.

The past 3 days have been amazing,
I do really see now how much my wonderful,amazing,awesome,sweet boyfriend really cares and loves me.
I am so fucking grateful for him I can't even discribe it.
He's so good to me and I couldn't ask for anything more.
But I do miss him a lot,
to the point that I cry when he isn't around, he isn't there to hold me, when I am in pain or
when I really truly need him.
He does soooooooo much for me and I don't understand why?
I'm not that great to have such an unbelieveable person like him in my life.
He could do so much better than me but yet he doesn't.
Which I wonder why me ?
The look in his eyes before he kisses me is magic.
His eyes are his soul, and I'm happy that he is letting me into that soul.
He is the reason why I breath, the reason why I live.

I am Scared.

I am scared.
Scared of something that I will do today that I may love or hate.
There's a First time for everything,
and I know I'm ready
but there is still something holding me back from doing this thing that I want to do.
I know everything will be okay and it will be one of the best nights of my life
but I am scared.

"I wish I could do better by you, Cause its what you deserve. You sacrifice so much of your life, In order for this to work. While I'm off chasing my own dreams, Sailing around the world, Please know that I'm yours to keep, My beautiful girl. When you cry a piece of my heart dies, Knowing that I may have been the cause, If you were to leave, fulfil someone else's dreams, I think I might totally be lost. You don't ask for no diamond rings, No delicate string of pearls, That's why I wrote this song to sing, My beautiful girl."


This song reminds me of the one who warms and fills my heart ♥

I'm screaming inside.

The other day, I was reflecting on my life
and I realized how much I really truly hate it.
I'm so sick with where I live,
I'm so sick with the people I live with
and I'm so sick of just simply people.
Everything in my life just got to my head.
I'm just done.
Done with this life I have to live.
No one deserves my life.
It's mostly filled with hate.
It's filled with love when it wants to be and that is when I am around those few people that make me happy.
One of them would be the best thing that has ever happend to me which is my amazing boyfriend who I can count on all the time, no matter what.
He is one of the only people who really understand me and my life.
There's also my three best friends.
Without them, I don't think I could move on.
I just want everything to be okay.
which right now, I don't know if that will happen.

It'd break my heart, if we fell apart.

it's extraordinary how much one girl can love

one boy so much, it's mad.

you make it seem so easy to love me

for who I really am.

Ghost Of Your Lies.

It's amazing how the person that brought you to life can be such an asshole.
My dad is such a dumb fuck.
I hate him with all my heart.
The things he does to me and my family is unbelieveable.
How can a man put soo much hurt into one person's life ?
All he does is lie.
His kind of truth is the ghost of his lies.
He also just blames other people for his own mistakes.
But deep down he know's what he has done wrong and won't live up to it.

Cross My Heart.

This past weekend has been one of the greatest joy's in my life.
I was with the one that I know really loves me.
He makes me smile even when it's a sad time.
As he wipes the tears falling from my eyes I remember how much I love him
and how I will miss these happy moments in our lives that we share together.
When I'm with him, I have no worry.
I forget about all the bad things in my life and just focus on him.
Because now, he is my life
the one thing I live for.
I will try to be better for him
and try my hardest to make him happy.
If anything goes any different, I will blame myself for the foolish things that I do.
I hope he knows that he is the only boy that I think about, the only boy that I love and the only boy that I miss.
I promise I love this boy,
I even cross my heart.

I hope your happy as yourself.

The boy that I love,
doesn't seem to like himself that much.
For reasons I don't understand.
He is such an amazing person
that he should love.
His self-esteem isn't that high but it should be
because I love him for everything he is.
Everything he is,
is everything I ever wanted in every single way.

Key to my Life.

As the years go by,
I learn more about the things I care about the most,
I finally found someone that makes me feel like I'm on the top of the world.
I finally found friends that I know love me for me,
and I finally found love again.

All these things are the key to my life.

dreams do come true.

As I read the lovely words that flutter from your wonderful heart and mind.
I cry.
But not of sadness but of happiness
that I have such an amazing boy in my life
that believes that we are meant to be.

In three days,
I will be happy again.

So, here's to another better year.

My Dad is a fucking idiot.
Drinking and Driving ?
who in the right mind could do that.

Now my life is going downhill again.
but,
I have that one person who can change that for me
and I am so grateful for that.
I hope everything works out, it most likely will.
All, I can do is say thank you to that person
and he knows who he is.

I love you.

I fucking miss the boy that,
made my tears go away,
held my hand,
kissed me,
held me in his loving arms,
loved me for me
and
walked me home in the dark.

Day Old Hate.

I wish I could come home from school and a loving mother ask "how was your day dear"?



Today, I wanted to write about my mother. I'm going to wash my hands of her. I don't want to deal with her bullshit anymore. I'm done. She has done so much to me, it's unbelieveable. What kind of mother picks drugs over her own poor, helpless kids ? Well that's my mom for you. I can't really put my finger on her. Everytime I see her or talk to her something new has come up and it's always bad. When I was younger I life was really bad, sometimes It's better now with my dad. My life was great in the beginning but then the fights started and my dad left her. Soon after she started dating again. She found a new boyfriend that she was with for many years. He is the person I think I hate the most in the world. He abused me and my mom. He was the on that got my mom into her hardcore drugs and he fucked up my life. He made my life a living hell. She stayed with him for reason unknowned. We moved around a lot. We didn't have a lot of money since all the money when to drugs. Before he came into my mom's life, she was a good hearted person that I loved. She would do anything for her childern, well not anymore. Soon after my father came into the picture by taking us from that hell hole. Right after that my mom got Bi-polar disorder and has had it ever since, then her "lovely" boyfriend left her. She now was alone and had no one. She kept going down the wrong path, still on hardcore drugs and now single so she needed money so next thing in line for her was to sell herself for money. She started going to jail a lot. She was just in there in April actually. Just to sum everything up, I don't love my mom, and I don't think I will again, she's a bad person that I don't fucking need in my life.

time rolling along with the waves,

He said " I Love You"
And I totally believe him.

I know now, what is it actually like to feel loved by someone.
I know he loves me by,
him always being there for me,
calls me everyday,
does anything for me,
cares a lot for me,
helps me all the time
and never gives up on me.

He's like a part of me now, a missing part that wasn't there my whole life
but now he is and I am so grateful to have him.
I do love him as well.
very much.
Hope brought us together,
just like I knew would happen.
I would find the greatest boy in the world
and have him love me.

I love you Frank ♥

You, are all I want.

He makes my heart melt.
He makes my heart warm.
He makes me want to continue this cold selfish life,
He makes me want to do so much more.

I really want to say that I love this boy, but I don't think love is the right word yet,
I have very deep strong feelings for him and I hope he has the same or more.
I feel so free when he's by my side.
Like I can do anything my heart truly wants.
I feel like me again when I'm with him.
I have a heavy heart and he is slowly lifting it.
He's really what I have been looking for,
for a long time.
and hopefully he will be mine for a long time.
There's so many other girls out there that are better then me,
that he should have.
I feel like I'm not good enough sometimes.
That he will past me on by.
but I dearly am happy knowing that I have him to call my own.

♥

I wonder.

I wonder when I will start to love him,
I wonder when he will start to love me,
I wonder when I will tell him I love him
and I wonder when he will tell me.

I think I'm losing one of my best friends.

fuckmylife.

His lips make me fly.

Problems, Problems and more Problems.
I like this guy that my best friend may like as well.
fuckkk .
I really like this kid but I don't want to hurt my friend because it's bro's before ho's.
I think she will be understanding and let me date this young man that I so dearly like.
This whole weekend I have been with him.
He is just simply amazing, I know I have said these words about other boys too but this one's different.
I don't think he is the type of guy that would hurt you, he just trys to be there for me. Which is pretty fucking awesome.
AND I know looks aren't everything but believe me when I say that this guy is hot as hell, and I'm not the only one who thinks this trust me on that.
So he sorta asked me out last night,
and I said I would have to think about it because of my friend ^^.
I really wanted to say yes but I need to think about others too.
Ughhhh!
I just wish things were better. So that I could already go out with him.
He's a really good guy and I want him in my life.
But Like I always say, Hope is all you need.
I hope things will work out for the better
and I hope that I will be happy, for once.

Love does truly act on the hope of tomorrow.

I think I'd rather drown.

I hate being confused.
Last night I had a dream about that fucking kid. Yeah, the one that cheated on me.
The dream was we were at school and there was like a play day thing , and the girl that he cheated with me on was there and so was he. But he was there to end it with her and then came back to me, and dumbly of me I took him back and I was happy, as was he.

Now, I always think dreams mean something. There's something behind it.
Clearly and Sadly I still have feels for him and I really shouldn't.
But you can't change your heart, it does that on it's own.
I don't know what this dream means, but if you guys do, comment and tell.
Thanks.

This is from our hearts, stop pretending.

He said sorry.

I had to accept it.

I still don't like what he has done but I know some how he will try to make it up to me.

We'll see.

FIGHTWITHBEARS

I totally found myself listening to Fightwithbears.
I'm pretty sure I love them.
Check Em' Out Kids : http://www.myspace.com/fightwithbearsband
You can download them at : http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=ff14c503745336af19747bd91027d4dd93e8065e7fd968cd



Oh and Two Records I have been listening to that are awesome are ;
Homesick - A Day To Remember
and
Crisis - Alexisonfire.

It's your lost, not mine bitch.

He is fucking dead to me. I hope he never finds love again. I was lying to myself the whole time.
I can't believe the things he said about me. I hate him so much. I know he will find someone new but I know those girls will see what I saw, A lying, stupid, no good fuck. He shouldn't get anyone. I'm sure one day his life will be hell. I will laugh in his face when everything goes downhill for him. I will never, ever feel sad for him. He changed into something wrong and gross. I can just see this life right now. Him sitting in his parent's basement playing x box with little kids that will end up just like him. Maybe I'm the bad person for saying all this shit, but you know what ? I don't give a fuck. He hurt me and he needs to hear the real truth about who he is and what he has done. I don't care about him anymore. I will never cry over him anymore, he isn't worth my tears or time.
There is one person that I should thank though,
Andrew Smart.
I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you in the first place,
You were right all along about this fagit.
Thanks for being there buddy.

To sum everything up. When I fall I fall fast and hard,
and I always seem to fall for the biggest assholes ever.

I'm holding onto a fairy tale.

" Today is the greatest day of my life "
I wish I could say that some day. Hopefully soon because happiness is key. One thing I want. I think only one person can make me feel that way. This person is the greatest man I know. I'm so grateful to have him. If I didn't I really wouldn't know what to do. But sadly we aren't together any more. I miss him so fucking much. He said " we can be friends for a while then try again" but I don't think that's going to happen. He doesn't keep his word or promises. Now I hear that he is "dealing" with some other girl yet he still tells me that he likes me. The sad thing is that I can't move on from him. I don't really want to , to tell you the truth. He is everything I ever wanted, in every single way. This whole thing is just so fucked up. I think I'll just wait and see what happens. Like I always say. hope is all you need, and it really is.
If heart breaks come, that's life and I will find someone new.

hope is all you need.

the tears won't even come.

I woke up to thunder and lightinng, strange how that's the way I feel inside. Like lightinng ripped through my heart and the piece's falling on the ground make thunder nosie's.

I am broken.
I miss him.
I love him.
still.

you're a joke

he broke my heart.
end of story.

help?

So,
I'm pretty much dating a great guy.
But we have a loooot of problems.
First thing is: he never calls me, Second he wants to have sex, Thrid, we don't see eachother a lot. There are waay more things I could list but who has the time. The second one is the biggest problem. I want do it but why the fuck would I do it with him, if he's too damn scared to hold my hand? that's why I'm re thinking everything. What do you think I should do?

goodbye, you suck.

You want me out of your life? then fine. I don't know why you want this but, this is were I say I'm done.
Have a great life, you fuck.

Right now in my life, things have been going okay. Yes, he has left but I found someone who cares about me as do I to them. I feel that the hole once made in my heart is getting filled as he is away by someone I love.

There goes my life.

Leave me here, to live this wrong and unbelieveable life. I keep holding onto things that I hope will keep you by my side. When you leave I wonder how I will stay strong, but I will see you again, a long time from now.

In a new relationship
but not with the guy my heart really truly wants.

Never will I let you go.

My heart keeps flying into different paths. One day I love this boy and the next I don't. Then two different guys come into the picture. It's life though, and it sucks. I don't know what's going to happen but each life has a plan and point. I'll find mine soon.

Has your heart ever wanted to ask something but your mind was to scared of the answer?

This is all I have.

Something is wrong. Not with me but, with him. I don't know what to do. Should I call him or just let him be? I'm so confused, I just hope he's okay. The pursuit of happiness is the source of all u n h a p p i n e s s. He needs to find his happiness, and hopefully that's with me in his life.

Going away this weekend, link cell.

It's been so hard, this time we shared apart.

You know what I hate? When you care so much about someone, that you would do about almost everything for them, try to be better for them, are ALWAYS there for them and just love them for who they are, and they just don't simply see that your one of the greatest perons in their life. Well sadly this is happening to me. I care so much for him and he doesn't care even a bit about me. I wish he would see that the girl of his dreams is standing right in front of him, and I will wait but not forever.

Parents, Fuck em'.

Heavy lies the Crown.

Lately, I've found myself thinking about my ex. I miss him, they way he was shy to hold my hand and how he held me in his arms. I told him everything. When I was with him I felt like all my problems went away. There is still a place in my heart for him, and I know there's one in his too for me. I don't love him anymore, but there is something still there.

ANYWAYS- EXAAAMM TOMORROW! oh and that date that I don't wanna go on.

Your words are like knives.

So, today I saw him, and also met his ex. awesome. The funny thing is he said he doesn't date grade 9 yet she is. His lies aren't needed here. I guess he's too good for me or something wrong with me. The sad part is I'm begining to love him, and I wish I could say it's his lost but it isn't, it's mine.

OH, by the way show tonight was fucking dope.

Hope for the best.

Ugh. I love you, but I can't stand seeing you like this. You are so much more then this. Why would you lower yourself? Sometimes I wish you were a simple man that saw that; I am the only one who stands by your side.

Show tonight at St.Paul's, come out and support these amazing bands. I might not go which fucking sucks but others come out! 7 o'clock $15.

If it means a lot to you.

"I will never be anything"
Hey, guess what your are my everything even with nothing to say. I want you to live your life to the fullest, be the best you can be and to be happy, finally. I hope to God that you know I'm here for you Always. Soon I will know my place in your life.

I have faith in you.

He smokes again tonight, as the smoke leads to his lungs. He slowly die's from here.
I wish I could help him see; love acts on the hope of tomorrow.

Fuck this.

Got asked out today. Woot. The part that's holding me back is my strong feelings for someone else. I mean don't get me wrong the guy that asked me out is great,... but not as much as the other one.

I am so confused, thanks to boys.

; your only as tall, as your heart will let you be.

So Far In my life,
Thing's weren't going too good ,
But then I found Someone.
This Someone Is Amazing.
I finally told him how I really feel,
It when good, I guess better then I thought.
He is like an escape.
an escape from what I live in every single day.
I need him, I want him.
He make's me really happy.
And I can strongly can say that I haven't been happy.
But I met him.
Things changed.
I want him in my life , as a boyfriend.
But at this point I don't really know what's going to happen.
I pray and Hope it will.
It would make me even more happier then I'm already am, just seeing him and talking to him.
I don't love him,
not yet.
Don't think I will, at least for a while.
My outlook on relationships is '' if it's meant to be, it will happend".
Things happen for a reason.
Sometime's it's not a good out come but that's okay.
Life moves on, for the better.
Hopefully everything will work out for me,
I think it will.
There's always hope.
Never forget that.
Never give up.
And Follow your dreams.

love is all i really know,

Love,
one thing that i want so much,
and do i have it ?
not at all.
i did once and it was just great, but then that person let me be alone in the darkness.
broke my heart, and broke my soul.
I blame myself for everything that has happend in my old relatioships and my home life.
So, my home life. It's the wrost thing in the world for me. My parent's try and bring me down with them. They don't care about me in anyway. Sometimes i don't even think they love me.
Which i'm pretty sure, they don't. I live with my dad, he's a fucking drunk. My older sister. which isn't bad, i know if i really needed something then i would go to her and my little brother that i just hate.
I don't see my mom at all, she is bi-polar.
She is also into hard-core drugs too.
She is mostly in jail, or just in a shelter. She doesn't call me, or try to contact me.
I have to do everything for the people I love yet they don't care about me.
I really want to find someone that can be my escape from this hell hole that I live in.
I thought I found that person, but clearly that didn't go down so well.
Now, I really like these two people but knowing me I always like someone that doesn't feel the same way back.
The first guy, tells me " oh i don't know who I like " when clearly he likes my best friend.
The Second guy is just.. amazing. I feel that i connect with him on a high level, but again there is a problem. He isn't single, and i'm pretty sure it's going to be like that for a while.
So there I go again, having no one.
I don't want people to have sympathy for me at all.
I just like writing down How I feel.
I know what love is, i just want someone to love me for me, nothing more.
I have really low self-esteem, I don't really like myself or the way I look.
But this is my first so, it might be bad
But thanks.