i'm going insane

baby, please stop doing this too me. You breaking my mind, i can't think straight anymore, your voice is always playing in the back of my head. All I do is sit in this room and think of you. I just want to be happy, finally. I've been waiting forever for this, and it's going to be the death of me. As I toke my bong I think of all the good times we had that mean the world to me and I will never forget them. I can't deal with the mind games, and the heartache. I'm in such a great sadness and you seem to take all my worries away. I'm safe with you, loved like no other. But this pain I feel when your away is uncontrollable, I try to make it go away yet it makes it way back into my heart. Just know your my hero, and I'll keep waiting, and waiting. Heartbreak after heartbreak...

stop, take some time to think.

I haven't really given any thought to my life in a while, yes I do think I'm going on the right track right now. Getting into school again, hopefully getting onto ontario works and have moved into an non-toxic environment that can only do wonders for me.

but, love has taking it's way horribly into my life.
I fell in love in the fall, with someone who I don't think I can live without and I don't think I will ever have these strong feelings for anyone. Lucky he loves me too but since life is a fuck up there has to be a twist to everything. I have to wait, and wait and wait.... and wait. How unfair is this?
if you really loved me like you say you do, wouldn't you give up the world for me?
or
try your fucking hardest to see me?
distance is our problem, and it will be the death of me.

I've been gone for so long.

I want to get back into my blogger since it was once the only thing that I cared about.
This year has been FILLED with it's up's and down's. Fell out of love with someone who I thought was my world, moved back into my father's , now back moved out for good with a new friend, old lovers coming back and a new school on top of everything. Mom's still sick as a dog but everyday she is fighting for her life.

Weed is still my one love, but I don't smoke it as much as I used too.
Drinking isn't my favourite thing anymore so I guess you could say I have learned the hard way.

Life seems good for right now and I'd like to keep it that way.

Rock me momma like a wagon wheel.

That women has been though so much, she'll be fine. At least I hope. Once again my mother the strong women she is just got cancer again. But this time it's wrose. She now has two metal polls in her back and has no feeling in her left leg so she will not be able to walk. She's been though hell with her drug addiction, poor life style and cancer bitting her in the ass off and on. All I keep thinking about is her and other people thinking I'm selfish and immature but there isn't a day that goes by and I don't think about her and hoping that I could be there. I just can't see her like this, it kills me. Tears come to my eyes even writ ting this, but in the back of my mind. i just think, she did this to herself. Someone that does crack would have health problems. I feel so bad that I can't be there for her in the way that everyone else wants me too be. I'm not that kind of person to watch their own mother die slowly. I can't take it. It's too much for me to take in at one time, it will take me days till I women up and go see her, make sure she's okay and knows that I love her so much, even though she's fucked up a lot. She always has me as her middle child. I would never leave her for anything stupid that she would do. That's my mother. People don't understand my life at all. Not only has she been though a lot, so have I because of her, or my father. Everyone thinks life is so easy or it will get better when I'm older, but who knows what will happen then. Right now in my life, it sometimes is the happiest time I've ever had and sometimes the more depressing time I've ever had. I just want my mom to know I love her and to stay strong because she is a fight and will get though this.

New York

I wanna live in New York. I want to be a part of their amazing music seen. I want my own bar where venues will be taken place and I could enjoy the indie punk seen or even the metal seen. I want to in gage in conversation with the most interesting people and just simply listen to the waves of the music going in and out of my ears. I want to enjoy coffee and the newpaper at the best local coffee shop. Where people like me go, where people like me live. I want to jump back into the 70's when everything was about sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. I want to be the daughter of all that. I want to sit in my crappy apartment and listen to The Beatles and smoke the best weed in the world. I want to live on hemp made products and not have kids till I'm old. Not get married ever. I want it to be just me and a couple of friends who know what good music is and know what life really needs. Love. Everything must have some love in it or what's the good of it? I want my room to be fulled with tapes, records and even cd's. Anybody who's anybody will be at my bar. I will always have all ages shows so that everyone can enjoy and the future youth can listen to the music that built their time. I will have my metal nights, which would be my favourite. A bar fulled with head bangers and rockers who just don't give a fuck. Or when the indie punk shows come along with the most inspiring people who know who they are. Life just sounds great like that. This is my real dream. Maybe one day it will come true.

Sleeping sickness.

It's like every month, someone who I still believe that I'm hung up on talks to me.
Should I be happy? or should I be mad?
I don't have a clue.
Of course I love my boyfriend with my whole heart but lately it's only been fight after fight and I'm getting sick of it. Sometimes I feel trapped and I can't do anything because when I do want to go out with someone else he gets mad at me. He gets mad at me over everything. Every little single thing. It's always my fault and I'm tried of getting yelled at. Isn't that why I left my dad?
Lately he just thinks that he can talk to me how ever he wants and expects me to be oky with it. But I'm not. Once I try and tell him my feelings he gets mad or doesn't seem to care.
It's scary how people can change over a short time period. He isn't the boy that I fell in love with anymore. As much as I would like to believe he is. He isn't.
Something has to change here, but how to you ask for change?
Living with your boyfriend isn't easy but, I always hope for the best.
Hope isn't dead yet, I don't think it ever will.